What makes you afraid or causes you to hold back?

Even if we have decided to follow Christ, it’s easy to hold back. Sometimes we are satisfied with our lives as they are and see no need to take risks. Sometimes we know we’re not going in the right direction, but we still prefer the comfortable darkness. Encouraged by the support of a faith community and strengthened by the presence of Christ in the Eucharist, we can take steps in faith to make an active response to Jesus. This week, two parishioners and two members of the pastoral service team share their reflections on the question: What makes you afraid or causes you to hold back from making an active response to Jesus? 

It’s easy for me to get caught up in the craziness of my life. As a working mother and wife, it’s hard to imagine fitting in more commitment to my faith life--especially when I consider how far I have to go. This question prompted me to take a good look at where I am at present vs. where I think the “perfect Catholic” is on the spectrum. For me, this concept is hugely overwhelming! It leads me to questions like: Am I doing enough? Am I giving enough? Loving enough? Praying enough? Well, the obvious answer is “no”--I am certain I could do better in all of those areas! But the more I think about it, the better I begin to understand that what Jesus probably wants is for us to at least spend some time asking ourselves those questions. Moreover, all that thinking leads us to make a conscious effort to take mini-steps toward that ideal. I’m not going to get there all at once, and as long as I remember that I need to question my personal place on the journey, then that’s what counts. I think that for me, it’s the times when I’ve been asked to share my time or talent in a way that steps outside my normal comfort zone, including answering this reflection, that have benefited me the most.

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I think I hold back from making an active response to Jesus because I'm afraid of what he will ask of me, or what he is asking of me. Deep down, I believe that Jesus doesn't want to just tweak my life--he wants to transform me. But making tweaks to my life is so much easier (and sometimes, more fun)! I'm a big fan of those "self-help" type books like The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I love thinking about how to form habits, be more productive, work more efficiently, and get more done. But if I'm honest, I know that Jesus doesn't just want to help me form better habits and generally be a better person. Jesus doesn't even just want me to pray more or love more or serve more or give more. He definitely does want me to do all those things, but he wants to do so much more than that too--he wants to transform my heart. And that's really, really hard work. Sure, I can develop the habit of praying more every day, but am I really willing to open my heart up to God in prayer? Am I willing to hear what he is saying to me? And do I have the courage to respond to his call?

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Talk about a challenge--writing about what makes me afraid and what is holding me back in just one paragraph. Well, I started compiling the list: my desire to be right, my urge to be well-liked by others, the comfort I feel by thinking that I am in control, my fear of being wrong, avoiding the pain of being rejected...and I was just getting started. Clearly I was going to need a different approach. Succinctly, it's the guy I see every morning in the mirror that is holding me back. So what do I do? I remind myself that Jesus loves me, that only God is perfect, that God made me and he does not make mistakes. I shake my head, take a deep breath, brush my teeth, and go on with my day hoping and trying to do the right thing and being thankful for all that I have. For another view, and a creative way to get around my word limit, I would encourage you to read the poem "The Guy in the Glass" by Dale Wimbrow.

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I think that the thing that I fear most about the idea of following Christ with my whole heart is that he will ask me to give up something that I don't want to give up, like God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, only without taking it back at the last minute like God did with Abraham! My friend Keith always says that a lot of people feel like getting involved with God will be their undoing--like God will ask us to do and be impossible things that will surely ruin our lives--and if that's what kind of God we imagine, why on earth would we worship a God like that? In my head, I know that Keith is right, that Christ wants me to have a full and abundant life, but I think my heart is still full of fear that the abundant life Christ has in mind for me may be very different from the life I have in mind for myself, that I may have to give up something precious and never get it back. I think the challenge for me is to learn to trust Christ more by trying to remember that every time I have managed to take a tiny step closer to Christ, I have received something from him, not had him take something from me.

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Are you interested in offering one of these responses in the coming weeks? Please e-mail Kathy O’Leary for details on how to participate.

Take your next step: Each week of Lent, we are suggesting a journaling question to respond to. Find 15 minutes when you can be uninterrupted, and grab a pen, mobile phone, or computer. At the top of the page, note, or e-mail, write: “What makes me afraid or causes me to hold back from making an active response to Jesus?” Write what comes from the heart. Take a few more minutes to talk to God about what you have written, and listen to God talk to you.